Today, someone gave me a present. Any day I get a present is a good day. And when it's a Shakespearean present, it's even better.
Now, of course, I never knew that I needed Shakespearean Insult Gum, but now that I know it exists...
...of course I need it!
Each tiny box, decorated with the bard's fiz, contains two gumballs.
And printed on the inside of the box is a lovely and inspiring quote from Shakespeare, such as this gem from The Comedy of Errors (which I saw live at the Globe Theatre. Have I ever told you about it? Let me do so...What? Oh, sorry. Back to my original topic):
"Thou art deformed, crooked, old and sere, ill faced, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere, vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind, stigmatical in making, worse in mind."
My favorite part is "ill faced, worse bodied." In other words, "Get thee to the plastic surgeon!"
From King Lear:
"From the extremest upward of they head to the descent and dust beneath they foot, a most toad spotted traitor."
From Henry IV, part 1:
"Thou sweats to death and lards the lean earth as you walk along."
Sounds like an advertisement for a fat farm for intellectual high-brows.
From Henry VI, part 2:
"Base slave, thy words are blunt, and so art thou."
Direct and to the point. (Get it? Point...blunt? Never mind.)
From Henry IV, part 2:
"Thy wit's as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard."
I've never been to Tewkesbury, but we can safely say that they have thick mustard there.
Well, I won't spoil the "fun" by quoting all of them. Go and get your own Shakespearean Insult Gum. You can share the gum with your mom, but I recommend saving the insults for you brother. That's what I plan to do.